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Northern Nationalism
Principles of Northern Nationalism Northern Nationalism is that movement that holds that much of the North of England, particularly Yorkshire, should be independent from the British government. Various currents in the movement's history have espoused either some kind of partial independence (devolution) or full and complete separation. Various methods, from peaceful demonstration and working legally through parliament, to hacking policemen to death with scimitars, have been employed in the name of Northern nationalism. This is really quite impressive, since its sole proponents, throughout much of its history, were three poverty-stricken misfits, who owned a coffee-house-cum-bookshop on the north bank of the Ouse, just off Marygate. Origins of the Movement The three comrades first met on a bus, going along Hull road towards the city centre. The names of these brave fellows were Pat, Mat, and Sally. Pat and Sally were already on the bus; when it stopped at the end of Carlton Avenue, and the bewhiskered Matthew Smiles climbed aboard; it is said that a great voice spoke to them, and made the very glass in the bus windows shake with its roaring majesty: ::Comrades! ::The time has come for you to stand up for what you all believe in your hearts, that this bounteous land of Yorkshire can and must be freed from the cruel clutch of it's oppressors! Go forth, and spread the word, in the form of literature that you shall distribute from a bookshop, which shall stand-'' And here the voice gave the exact coordinates, which now mark the dead centre of the Eboracum Bookshop. (These coordinates are not revealed here, to confound attempted air-raids against our HQ. Vive le Nord!) Founding Members As mentioned above, the ideology of Northernism or Northern Nationalism, also known as Yorkieism, and/or Neo-Norsism, was first set out by its three founding memebres, Pat, Mat and Sally, in their pamphlet 'The Future of the North'. Tensions were always high between the three, as one would expect from such highly-strung, individualistic and eccentric people. Patricia Swiggles was the eldest of the trio, and the one who ended up paying for most of the publishing costs. She had a great commitment to the cause, and her prose was solid and factual; however, it was shot through at random intervals with outbursts of obvious madness. For instance... ::...it is thus proved, through an inevitable and logical process, that butter comes from milk; milk from cows; and cows from other cows ad infinitum, and similarly, coal comes from coal mines. Therefore, cows kept in coal mines would surely produce coal-milk, which, when churned into coal-butter, could be used as an environmentally friendly power source for much of the western world.'' This kind of thing is more or less typical of her. Born in a chip shop in Sheffield, she grew up with a number of useful connections in the chip-mafia which would prove useful in later life. After a turbulent youth spent grappling with an eating disorder and a series of unsuccessful love affairs, she found Allah and converted, becoming at peace with herself. She later achieved enlightenment through the healing power of crystals, and is a practising Taoist, as well as observing the official state religion of the North: Norse. For some time she lived in a boutique, huddling under a patchwork umbrella when it rained, and selling poorly-handmade clothing to passers by for small sums of money. In her writings, she consistently advocated direct action, in the form of chicken-hurling, to hasten the liberation of the North. Although she only occasionally hurled chickens herself, she expressed public support for such actions regularly, and encouraged others to do the same - though few did. This strategy is now considered to have passed its time, though it is acknowledged that those early chicken-hurlers were courageous and idealistic individuals who engaged in a truly patriotic struggle. By contrast, Matthew, the 'wise-man' of the group, advocated an approach strictly conforming to Trotskyist revolutionary doctrines and Chavez-like hairstyles, involving the formation of revolutionary armies of workers which would overthrow the government... somehow. Matthew was keen to analyse the class dynamic of the North/South issue, and the subsequent decadence and alienation that tended inevitably towards fostering revolutionary feeling amongst the Northerners. He fought continually against US imperialism, distributing leaflets from a hand-made leaflet cannon outside the local McDonalds. This proved an effective tactic, as those who dared approach the fast-food outlet were likely to get hit by a speeding wad of high-velocity leaflets, with near-fatal results. However, the work of Matthew Smiles is generally too bizarre and academic for people to understand it, unless they have just been hit in the head by a speeding wad of high-velocity leaflets. Finally, there was Sally. The quiet one of the group, Sally was always enigmatic and resourceful, often disappearing for some time without explanation. On several occasions she ran for parliament, but received too few votes to get her deposit back. A likeable, cuddly person, according to those who knew her, she was also a committed pacifist, except with regard to rodents and sparrows, which she showed no mercy. She always maintained that the North could be freed by peaceful means, based on democratic change and so on. Category:Religion